I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
