Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
