if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
