Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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