I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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