WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
