god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
