some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
