I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
