I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
you made out with another girl for some wings
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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