Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
