Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
