Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
