i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Alive.
So much puke
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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