I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
