Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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