My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize