It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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