i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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