Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize