So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
