Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
