Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Rumble strips road head = magical
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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