her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
