Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
