Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Omg I joined a choir last night...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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