so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
