dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
