final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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