On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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