Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
