ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
