There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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