Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
