I wish I could teleport
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
