one word: firstdatebathroomanal
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
