She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
