i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
