We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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