Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
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