when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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