everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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