woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
