She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize