Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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