Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
