my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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