Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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