i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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