he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
