You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
