new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize