I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
