I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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