Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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