i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
