So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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