My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Randomize
