You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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