I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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