he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
